Dampened spirits? Not on this menu!
Weather comes from all directions
It is meteorological law that rain falls downwards until the minute you try to light a barbecue, when it will immediately begin to fall horizontally. “I’ve got it covered!” you’ll call cheerily to anyone hovering around looking hungry and doubtful.
You do not have it covered.
Special requests will not be tolerated
Oh, you’d like your steak medium-well done but blushing ever so slightly in the centre? That’s a shame, because your options are blue, mauve or microwaved.
Subtle flavour combinations will not be appreciated
Never mind the aromatic marinade that you’ve been massaging into the meat at hourly intervals since 5am, or the secret ingredient for extra crispy chicken skin that you found on Pinterest. Is it cooked? Is it warm? That’ll do.
Things aren’t looking up, but you are
Hang on… is that… could it be… A PATCH OF BLUE SKY? BEAUTIFUL BLUE SKY?
Ah, no – your eyes have just gone funny from the smoke. But still, it was exciting while it lasted.
Somehow it was all more romantic in your head
You had visions of heart-warming anecdotes and blitz spirit camaraderie, the whole group huddling around in their anoraks to keep you company, pour you wine and protect the halloumi kebabs. Instead they’ve all slunk off to stay warm and dry in front of the telly, periodically bellowing out of a window to see if the food is ready yet.
The most you can expect is a drink and a towel, 45 minutes after you asked for them.
Everyone mysteriously disappears
The people who helpfully volunteered to ‘test’ that the burgers tasted okay won’t be so selfless when it comes to holding an umbrella over your head for an hour and a half.
All, that is, except Annoying Dave, who is still keen to keep up the lecture on correct barbecuing techniques that he started at your World Cup brai in 2010.
Meat smoke is your new perfume
It’s in your hair, your clothes, your skin and your soul. “Mmm, what is that you’re wearing?” people will ask. “Eau de Piri-Piri Drumstick,” you will reply.
But on the plus side, you can have fun emerging from the steam and quoting lines from Brief Encounter and Some Like It Hot.
Your hands will twitch for the takeaway menu
You know where’s dry and has a working grill? The local kebab shop. And would people really even notice the difference?
It’s all worth it in the end
Believe it or not, barbecuing in the rain can actually help your food taste better. Pop the lid on to keep the moisture in, and the steam will help to produce tender, juicy meat that cooks through quicker.
Then tell everyone it is down to your supreme skill, obviously.