Columnist Daisy Buchanan eats her way through the wackiest diets of La La Land in a single day
Photo: Homemade / Ria Osborne
"I should start this whole thing off by admitting I am totally delusional and convinced that I am deserving of a fragrant, fabulous celebrity lifestyle. I care not to remember that I once ate a reduced-to-clear pot of low fat hummus with my hands, on a train, because it was in my bag and the buffet car had shut.
"I know there’s one easy path to celebrity status – but every pet shop I visited refused to rent me a chihuahua for a couple of hours, and the people at Louis Vuitton were most emphatic about not letting me return a handbag once I'd got sambuca on it.
"Luckily, I have a plan B: a mad diet. I have a soft spot for celebs who make their weird eating habits their life's work. I don’t have any marketable showbiz talents, but I can stock my larder with grass and charcoal with the best of them. In my attempt to pursue celebrity status, I try to craft the perfect celebrity diet. Here’s how I got on …"
"I try to start the day like Victoria Beckham: with a spoonful of bee pollen. I don’t quite manage it, but I feel thinner already from chasing all those bees. Unfortunately, this doesn’t fill me up, and I have to make myself a refreshing ice-cream smoothie to soothe my mouth and throat, which are covered in stings.
"Channelling Gwyneth Paltrow, lover of leaves, limes and $300 casserole dishes, I add cauliflower rice and wet almonds to my meal plan. Raw food followers recommend that almonds are soaked for 12-24 hours to break down their enzymes. I do not have 12-24 hours, so I change the clock on my phone.
"Have you ever eaten pine cones that you once gathered on a damp walk and found in your pocket six months later? Me neither, but I am going to try because it has to be slightly tastier than this."
"Barely finished brekkie and it’s time for my mid-morning snack! The celebrity schedule is a demanding one. I make like Katy Perry and devour some mushrooms, as part of the 'M plan' diet. The idea is that you lose weight from everywhere but your chest.
"So many choices: magic or poisonous? In the end, I go for regular mushrooms fried in butter. Healthful."
"It’s going to be a light affair, as I’m trying Renée Zellweger’s 'ice diet'. Apparently a litre of iced water bumps up your metabolism more quickly. It turns out to be a literally quite painful reminder that I need to buy some sensitive toothpaste.
"It’s a bit boring on its own, and the brain freeze is quite ouchy, so I combine it with some diet tips from Dame Joan Collins, who recommends tequila because of its agave base. Apparently, this makes it harder for the body to convert into fat. The tequila even comes with a handy, red hat-shaped measuring cup so you can work out exactly how much you need for optimum weight loss. But I lose count after 10 cups. Arriba!"
"Someone told me tequila doesn’t give you hangovers, and they’re a dirty liar. Now seems like the perfect time to try a classic Jennifer Aniston weight loss technique: the Atkins diet. The fried eggs, cheese and salty sardines sort me right out, although I’m desperate for a bit of toast to take the edge off. I settle for a black coffee instead."
"Boy George became super svelte after he apparently started Biotyping – eating a diet based on what is considered suitable for his blood type. Now, I don’t know my blood type but I suspect it’s the same as Boy George’s because we both look good in hats.
"He recommends raw salmon and hazelnuts. I can’t quite bring myself to chew on a chilly fish fillet, so I have a big pile of sashimi with some Nutella on top, to make sure I get the full helping of hazelnut goodness.
"I wash this down with what's rumoured to be Beyoncé’s favourite meal/drink – a mix of maple syrup, water, lemon juice and cayenne pepper, although I feel a bit weird once I’ve drunk the equivalent of half a tin of Lyle’s."
The result …
"After just one day on the ultimate celebrity diet, I feel cranky, crazy, entitled and prone to hallucinations – so it totally works! I also drop a dress size. This is obviously because my personal eating plan is brilliant and not because I end up spending the rest of the week in bed, vomiting into a bucket."
Please note this article has been produced for information purposes only and is not condoning the consumption of these foods at the stated quantities. It should not be viewed as a replacement for any kind of nutritional advice.