Tantrums and E-numbers. Que sera, sera …
Les frites, c’est chic
Despite the abundance of delicious, fresh Mediterranean food, your kids will only have eyes for one local delicacy: chips.
It’ll be a blue Monday. And Tuesday. And Wednesday …
Every day of the holiday you will get an impassioned request for a blue Slush puppy that does not conform to British Safety standards.
Drinking is acceptable when in the confines of a self-catering campsite
Parents everywhere, rejoice. On holiday, nobody bats an eyelid when you have a beer at 9am. And there’s a Kids' Club – yes!
Always feed your child before you get on the plane, even if the food is free
Your child is more likely to recite Homer’s Iliad backwards than eat microwaved chicken chasseur from a plastic tray.
Kids hate foreign food – unless it’s got 1kg of sugar in it
Despite turning down everything because it "tastes funny", they’ll develop a deep and abiding love for inedible Euro biscuits with teddy bear faces on them.
When in Rome, don't do as the Romans do
No matter how tempted you are to be more sophisticated and European, for God’s sake don’t let the kids drink espresso.
And don’t let them try wine, either
Not only because it's illegal, but also because NOBODY TOUCHES MUMMY’S JUICE.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice-cream
And that scream will be heard on the every hour, on the hour, usually accompanied by whining, crying and flailing in the pool.
Forget your holiday fantasies and surrender to an overpriced aquapark
You might love the idea of eating fresh anchovies at a charming fishing village in the Languedoc. But instead, you’ll find yourself eating a soggy hot dog at the bottom of a water slide. Accept this.