From tantrums at the seaside to candy floss sugar slumps, Lucy Sweet has been there. Here's what you know if you've ever taken the kids on a trip
If you've ever attempted the bold and foolhardy task of entertaining kids on a day out, then there will be just a few things you know all too well …
You'd better have plenty of £££s
You’ll need to remortgage the house and sell most of your belongings on eBay to afford all the Lego mini figures, massive lollipops, burgers and those souvenir pennies you squash in that silly machine thingy.
When visiting a theme park, bring lots of snacks for the queue
Which will then reappear at a critical point on the teacup ride. Also, bring wipes.
Getting a table at a cafe in Disneyland is actually harder than giving birth
What do you mean you didn’t book two months in advance to eat cold spaghetti sat next to a depressed Snow White lookalike with lipstick on her teeth?
You can’t get sand out of hummus
Fingers, spoons, a sieve … nothing will shift it. Just tell the kids that it’s a special, limited-edition crunchy version with cheese and onion crisps in it.
No matter how much ice cream and excitement they have, it will never be enough
Sometimes kids can amuse themselves for hours playing with a stick. But if you expose them to stimulation and sugary treats, they'll be filled with existential ennui and cry about how they didn’t get a Buzz Lightyear balloon forever.
A mischievous monkey or a seagull will steal your child’s ice-cream cone and they will cry
That’s life. Seagull’s gotta eat.
Anything billed as a ‘family fun day’ is usually about as much fun as the flu
Are you standing in a pile of shoes waiting for your kid to come off the bouncy castle? Did the bouncy castle cost £3.50 for five minutes? Is it raining? Are you wishing you were dead? Yep, you are at a family fun day.
Don’t give in to demands for candy floss
Oh, it looks so innocent and light and fluffy – like a pink cloud full of kittens. But when it comes down to it, it’s chemically injected fibreglass loft insulation that no amount of wet wiping can ever erase.
You will hear the words ‘I’m hungry’ the minute you leave the house
Regardless of the fact that they’ve just eaten four slices of toast and a bucket of Cheerios.
You will probably end up in McDonald's
Yes, just as the sun always rises in the east and sets in the west, you'll find yourself whispering tired sweet nothings into the drive-through window …